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My Dad, Bert’s Flivver and Dutch Schultz

Author: Mike Jahn

As I’ve said to the point of exhaustion earlier in this narrative, I learned the ink-flinger’s trade by imitating my respectable and honored newspaperman father. Well, I was going through his papers over the weekend and found the story below. He wrote it for the Long Island Press, in the 1970s the nation’s fourth largest afternoon daily. As the last act of his career he was editorial page editor.



The Press was the third daily newspaper for which he worked that went belly up. The Brooklyn Eagle flatlined in 1956 (there’s a new, smaller version publishing now). The Suffolk Sun kicked the bucket in 1970. After the Long Island Press bought the ranch in 1976, legend has it that my father dropped in on Newsday to meet someone for lunch and the entire city desk rose as one and yelled “get out!”

As for his Dutch Schultz story, I heard it many times while growing up. But I didn’t see the actual print version when it was published in 1974. Those years I was busy slaughtering trees so as to print “The Six Million Dollar Man” books, which unaccountably were deemed worthy of slaughtering trees for. It recounts an event that occurred during the 1930s, a decade that was to him what the 1960s were to me. It was “storied.” Here’s one.

Dutch Schultz Remembered

by Joseph C. Jahn

During the Prohibition era, my town on Long Island was a port of call for rum runners, foreign and domestic. We also had a doctor without portfolio who patched up wounded gangsters.

So it is no wonder that one evening I went to Mike’s Soda Shoppe on Main Street and unexpectedly found myself sitting on a stool next to Dutch Schultz, the gangster, who, history should record, was sipping a chocolate malted.

So was his burly bodyguard, one stool removed, who had a bulge in his right hip pocket that was not caused by a hankie.

Although this was very early in my journalistic career, and my beat was sports, I was sufficiently aware of front page news to know that Dutch was on the lam because a rival thug, Legs Diamond, wished to rub him out.

Also, the Feds, who couldn’t shoot straight on a bet, were looking for Dutch, not because he didn’t keep up with protection payments — a city problem — but because he didn’t pay his Federal income tax.

Therefore, a stool next to Dutch Schultz at that point in time was no place for a clean-cut, well-bred, God-fearing and nervous country boy. So I concluded that I needed a haircut.

From the barbershop I phoned Bert Carey, local reporter and photographer for our mutual employer, the Brooklyn Eagle. Bert joined me almost before I hung up. There followed a stakeout of Mike’s Soda Shoppe, then a cautious tailing of Dutch and his companion to a hideout in an unoccupied mansion in darkest Oakdale

They were in a sleek, high-speed bulletproof Lincoln, we in Bert’s well-ventilated old flivver. Fifteen minutes later they were seated in a darkened room on a sofa facing burning logs in a fireplace, and we were peering through a partly opened window. Bert’s flivver was down the road, it’s motor running, which was a good thing.

“When I nudge you, rap on the window, and then run like hell,” Bert whispered, aiming his camera’s lens toward the shadowy figures. He nudged, I rapped, a flashbulb went off, and I took off for the car, one step ahead of Bert. Moments later we were westbound on Montauk Highway, throttle to the floor. Moments after that we heard the deep-throated roar of a high-powered motor far behind us, but gaining.

Well, I said to myself, this is a fine fix. And it would have been if Bert hadn’t known back roads that led to Bloody Mary’s speakeasy. He drove the flivver in her barn, and we burst into Mary’s kitchen.

“I’ll have a hamburger and a shot of rye,” an unflustered Bert said to a flustered Mary. He had several of both. So did I. Hours later we resumed our journey, taking back roads to Brooklyn, where Bert’s film was processed while he wrote the story.

So it came to pass that the next day the Eagle reported exclusively that Dutch Schultz had been found and had a photo to prove it. Admittedly, the photo was fuzzy, but who wouldn’t have taken a fuzzy picture under those circumstances?

I do not recall that Bert won any prize for that scoop. He certainly didn’t get a raise; just having a job was a triumph in those days. But Dutch Schultz didn’t win anything either. He had paid a good buck to a God-fearing local realtor to rent an old mansion he had to abandon. More important, within a month Dutch was completely deceased, having been rubbed out in a beer joint in New Jersey.

My reward for riding shotgun with Bert? Mike put a gold star on the stool I occupied so briefly that fateful evening. But that too was rubbed out. In fact, it didn’t last as long as Dutch.

this story is copyrighted

Taken from this post:
My Dad, Bert’s Flivver and Dutch Schultz

Author: Mike Jahn

Bill Haley and His Comets rehearsing at the London Dominion Theatre, February 6, 1957
Photo via Corbis-Bettmann (it says here)

Tomorrow, Bill Haley, born in Highland Park, Michigan, would have been 85. I never thought he was young but I never realised he was the same age as my mother…
And talking of age, any reports from Hop Farm, anyone? (Thanks already to Jack, for a comment now sent under the earlier blog entry ‘Padova’.)

Taken from this post:

Author: Mike Jahn

Bill Haley and His Comets rehearsing at the London Dominion Theatre, February 6, 1957
Photo via Corbis-Bettmann (it says here)

Tomorrow, Bill Haley, born in Highland Park, Michigan, would have been 85. I never thought he was young but I never realised he was the same age as my mother…
And talking of age, any reports from Hop Farm, anyone? (Thanks already to Jack, for a comment now sent under the earlier blog entry ‘Padova’.)

Taken from this post:

Author: Mike Jahn

Bill Haley and His Comets rehearsing at the London Dominion Theatre, February 6, 1957
Photo via Corbis-Bettmann (it says here)

Tomorrow, Bill Haley, born in Highland Park, Michigan, would have been 85. I never thought he was young but I never realised he was the same age as my mother…
And talking of age, any reports from Hop Farm, anyone? (Thanks already to Jack, for a comment now sent under the earlier blog entry ‘Padova’.)

Taken from this post:

Go away, Ke$ha.

Author: Mike Jahn

I’m new to American Idol and tuned in partly to see what my friends over at Gawker have been blathering about for the past few years. I got there in time to watch someone named Simon, who is supposed to be a bad guy, being harangued by someone named Ryan, who is supposed to be a good guy. My sense is that the exchange was genuine, something new that television must be experimenting with.

It was really uncomfortable. This Simon person seemed like he just didn’t give a fuck, which of course no one on television does but few will admit. This is his last season and he has “I’m outta here by summer” written all over him. He should take the opportunity to stomp the Ryan person before he becomes this millennium’s Dick Clark. I don’t want to see him hosting “Ryan Seacrest’s Rockin’ New Year” when the ball falls on the year 2030. Not that I’ll be here anyway.

Now there is the matter of someone named Ke$ha, who performed last night. Her putting a dollar sign in her name can be considered redneck bling — how to seem rich when you have no money and less talent. I have a fondness for odd people and bizarre sounds. I like Yoko. I would get Courtney Love drunk and cause her to violate parole.

Why ‘Avatar’ Didn’t Win Best Picture

Author: Mike Jahn

“Avatar” didn’t win the best picture Oscar because there was something wrong with it. It lost because there was everything right with it — just not from the Hollywood point of view.

Hollywood likes movies it can reproduce. This is the same way that auto manufacturers like cars they can make themselves. But they have no chance at all of reproducing a top-of-the-line Lamborghini and thus don’t like them except maybe for their personal midlife crises.

It’s the same thing with “Avatar” and the movie that won, “The Hurt Locker.” There is no one in Hollywood other than James Cameron who can spend 10 years and $350 million to create an emotional and technological masterpiece, a landmark movie. But there are thousands of producers who can churn out $11 million movies about a handful of guys messing around in the mud disarming bombs and griping. Just take any cop show and move it to Afghanistan. Send the cast of “NCIS: LA.” They can do it right now. Book the flight.

If anyone other than Cameron creates an “Avatar” at some point in the future, it won’t be anyone currently in Hollywood. It will be someone who right now is a 17-year-old kid locked in his room in the darkness surrounded by graphics programs and thrash metal. Hollywood can’t reproduce him, either.

Ways to spice up the boring Winter Olympics

Author: Mike Jahn

– “Ultimate Fighters on Ice” event.

– Curling stones to be replaced with improvised explosive devices.

– Speed skaters to be motivated by polar bears.

– Cross-country, cross-border terrorist-smuggling event.

– National anthems to be sung by Bjork.

– To reflect the yachting competition of the Summer Olympics, a “Deadliest Catch” winter event.

– “Halftime” performance by Adam Lambert.

– No guidos in houses at the Jersey Shore. Snow bunnies in the Olympic Village.

– Two words: skate bombs.

How can you tell that your coworker has been to a Tea Party rally?

Author: Mike Jahn

How can you tell that your coworker has been to a Tea Party rally?

– Her cubicle smell like pork rinds and beer.

– She uses beef jerky to stir her coffee.

– Her hard drive sounds like a ’52 Chevy pickup.

‘What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a porcupine?’

Author: Mike Jahn

The Escalade is coming to surpass the Mercedes as the vehicle of choice for road bullies. And I say that even knowing the old bus driver joke: “What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a porcupine? With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside.”

It isn’t just the sticker price. Porsches are expensive too, but too small to compete effectively in NYC traffic, where bulk and balls rule. You know what, though? Continuing the German theme, I’ve noticed that a LOT of Volkswagens are driven by assholes. To me that’s counterintuitive. BMWs cost a buck or two, but don’t seem as bad as Mercedes drivers. Maybe it’s because BMWs are marketed for quality and Mercedes’ are marketed for prestige.

SUVs in general are horrible, but the Escalades are the worst.

You have to understand Manhattan traffic. There’s a kind of grace to it. Most everybody understands the flow, that three lanes of traffic, all kinds of vehicles, will move as one, flowing around potholes, misplaced manhole covers, and terrified New Jersey drivers in Toyotas. Praying, maybe, that the accelerator doesn’t get stuck while behind a large and grumpy cabbie from Central Asia.

Funny. Even cabbies just off the boat from Kazakhstan seem to understand the flow of Manhattan traffic. The SUVs disrupt that with their bullying. I’m surprised that SUVs drivers aren’t occasionally dragged from their vehicles and beaten to death.

I’m not into violence. But I bet that Escalade drivers will be after their charming General Motors vehicles fall apart after 65,000 miles and the parts department had been outsourced Kazakhstan where the cabbies come from.

Taken from this post:
‘What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a porcupine?’

The iPad is a coffee table book that lights up

Author: Mike Jahn

Here’s the reason that the iPad has been getting such bad press: the reporters and bloggers who have written about it like computers. The iPad isn’t a computer. It’s a coffee-table book that lights up. It’s a Christmas gift for your parents and others who don’t want and/or don’t understand computers.

Such a person doesn’t have room for a desktop or hates the look of one. He doesn’t like laptops because they’re only small computers and who wants to have left a small computer on the coffee table when company comes over. He doesn’t want to learn computers. He doesn’t want to install a WiFi router. The iPad he can leave sitting there. It’s easy to use. It’s kind of attractive, like a coffee table book. You can leave it between the Rembrandt anthology and the L.L.Bean catalog. And when company comes over and if they notice it at all and ask what it is, you can push a button and bingo, there’s the pictures of the grandchildren. Or the movie listings. Or a map and directions to Starbucks. Or a book.

Or even the email. Everyone understands email. Even people who don’t like computers.

So that’s what the iPad is — a coffee table book that lights up. What’s the market for that? Probably very small and the iPad will fail. Which is why Apple introduced it a few hours before the State of the Union Address. Hoping that the flaws won’t be commented on before Obama occupies the news for a couple of days. And before the stock market has the chance to absorb the bad news.

Taken from this post:
The iPad is a coffee table book that lights up

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