He was beginning to wonder whether it had been a good idea to get involved with this real estate “reality” show. He’d lived in his starter home nineteen years already, and had everything in it arranged to his liking, but property values had jumped in his area recently, and there was a chance he could sell for a large profit now. This young Englishwoman from the show would guide him through preparing his house for the market. She’d turned out to be a cheeky bird, flouncing around in her miniskirts and black tights, yet insisting his house had to be made as conservative in appearance as possible. The royal blue (his favorite color!) exterior paint would have to be covered with beige, she ordered, while his collection of record albums was too much “clutter,” and would have to be replaced with an “efficient” iPod. The 1950′s-era turquoise & coral Formica countertops in his kitchen were “much too overwhelming,” per the Limey lass, and cold grey granite was called for now. But she’d lost him for good when she’d called his bright chartreuse, yellow, and scarlet chalkware parrot wall decorations “kitsch-on-steroids” — that was it! She was obviously preparing to sell his house to some nitwit who thought a crown molding (Good lord!) was high style. He sat down at his computer and typed out his manifesto: “Dear Ms. Allsopp: I am breaking my contract to have my house featured on your show. I find your lowest-common-denominator approach to house design repulsive, and your criticisms of my color choices and furnishings have only made me appreciate them more. I’ve decided to stay here, so there will be no house to sell anyway. Sue me if you like, but in the meantime, you should return to your native England and put your talents to work redesigning the country estate of a certain Mrs. Thatcher. She ‘s currently trying to attract a ghost named ‘Ronald’ into her little love nest, and as he had certain . . . uh, cognitive difficulties in his earthly life, a bland, non-challenging environment is a must for making him feel comfortable there. Beige, beige, and more beige will work wonders with him. Go for it! Yours sincerely, Mr. R.M.R. (And the parrots stay!)”
