– “Ultimate Fighters on Ice” event.

– Curling stones to be replaced with improvised explosive devices.

– Speed skaters to be motivated by polar bears.

– Cross-country, cross-border terrorist-smuggling event.

– National anthems to be sung by Bjork.

– To reflect the yachting competition of the Summer Olympics, a “Deadliest Catch” winter event.

– “Halftime” performance by Adam Lambert.

– No guidos in houses at the Jersey Shore. Snow bunnies in the Olympic Village.

– Two words: skate bombs.